It’s Not the Mistake. It’s Your Relationship With Making Them.

Most of us have been there. We have expectations of how something will go, it does not land the way we hoped, and what follows is a wave of shame, frustration, embarrassment, or anger. Sometimes proportionate to the situation. Often not.

And here is what I have come to understand: the response we have to a mistake is rarely about the mistake itself. It is about the relationship we have with making mistakes in the first place.

Why the reaction is almost never about the thing itself

Your brain is association based. The way you perceive and respond to the world is filtered through a lens built from your beliefs, experiences, and expectations. If somewhere along the way you developed the belief that mistakes mean failure, that failure reflects your worth, or that getting something wrong means everyone will see through you, then your response to a mistake will always carry more weight than the mistake deserves.

It is not the situation driving the reaction. It is the story attached to it.

Where resilience skills come in

This is where the Tenacity domain of resilience becomes so practical. When we can slow down, question our assumptions, and separate what actually happened from the story we are telling ourselves about it, we start to build a healthier relationship with getting things wrong.

When we treat mistakes as data rather than verdicts, something shifts. We start to see them as part of the process rather than evidence against us. And over time, that relationship with failure changes too.

So the next time you make a mistake, try this:

1. What actually happened?

Get clear on the facts before the story takes over. What actually occurred, stripped of interpretation? Not the narrative your brain added, just what happened.

2. What assumptions did you make?

Now, understand the assumptions behind the moment. What did you assume that turned out to be untrue or unhelpful? Assumptions are rarely examined until something goes wrong. This is your opportunity.

3. What can you update in your assumptions or beliefs?

In order to improve future thought processes, while staying constructive, get clear on what needs updating. This is not about self-blame. It is about learning. Simple, practical, and no shame required.

That is where resilience lives. Not in the idea that one day we will become the person we suddenly want to be. But through consistent trial and error, pragmatic adjustments, and the ability to get back up and keep moving, kindly and calmly, even in the toughest moments.

Want to understand how Tenacity and the other five resilience domains show up in your life and work? Explore our Resilience programs or get in touch.

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